WandaCrab

On Satisfaction

2006-04-19T16:56:00.000-04:00

This might sound sappy, but it occurred to me this morning that it's silly for me to have angst over not wanting a particular thing because perhaps the logical conclusion is that I already have what it is I want. Hmmm.

How I wish I felt today

2006-04-19T09:51:00.000-04:00

Wubba Bubba

2006-04-19T09:40:00.000-04:00

Alexis Riley is getting big already! And cute! I still can't even get over the eyebrows.

Career Angst

2006-04-18T11:14:00.000-04:00

I should get up early more often. Or maybe I should never do it again.

I got up at 6:30 this morning with a clear head and some ideas for work, and once I got them out in a list and emailed to myself, I started thinking in general about my life's direction and long term goals. It occurred to me that I have no idea where I want to be career-wise in a couple years. Obviously I can't stay where I am forever, but since I ended up here rather accidentally I think I have lost touch with what I want to do in general.

In fact, I don't think I really had anything in mind. I studied English in college, and really enjoyed it, but never thought about what I would do afterwards. It boggles my mind to think about how clueless I was then. I would just graduate from college and get a job, and then figure it all out. I guess that is sort of what happened, but I really wish I had done some more of the career experimentation before graduating, say with internships like every frigging kid in college seems to do now. Why did that not even occur to me?

So I really tried to simplify and think about what I might like to do with my time and was frustrated to find that I really just don't know. I like literature, I like writing, I like animals, I like helping people... I have a lot of vague interests, but nothing that really stands out as a calling.

Yesterday I briefly entertained (again) the idea of going to law school, because I find the law very interesting. But I don't want to be a lawyer. So how could I justify the expense? Sure a lot of people with law degrees go on to do other things, but I think it's usually by accident, not by design. I know I don't want to run for office after everything I've seen, so... I don't know. End of the road on that line of thought I guess.

A conversation with a friend this morning got me thinking about going back to school to get my PhD in English. I know I would enjoy it. It would be a lot of work to get in, with the GREs and writing samples, etc etc. Where would it take me? At the end I could be a professor, and have time and money (other people's money) to devote to academic pursuits. That's appealing to me, but something inside me says I can't really do it. John will object to me spending money on that kind of education, or I just wouldn't be able to cut it, or I could never get a teaching job.

All I know is I really do want to use my brain for something. I wish in a way I had just gone straight from undergraduate into graduate studies because then I would have gotten as qualified as I could be and I wouldn't have had to wake up to the real world until I had all that under my belt. But I wouldn't be where I am today, with a great relationship and some experiences which I wouldn't trade for the world, without the last 7 years going the way they have gone. It's just so hard to jump back into it when I've been away so long. If I went back to Rutgers I would have to submit a 10-20 page paper to show my skill for literary criticism. I haven't flexed that muscle since 1999. I am pretty sure I could do it, but would it be good enough? I think my reflections on literature might be a little more valid with the life experience I've had, but I can't say I remember particularly well how to do it all. Bibliography? AAAH!

I don't want to just continue letting life happen to me, because it feels terribly passive and I keep waking up every couple years having a Talking Heads moment (how did I get here?). I've got to focus on this question, and make a real decision soon.

Doesn't quite jibe

2006-04-17T13:58:00.000-04:00

You are usewess Awec Bawwin..

Back at work after a 3-day weekend and again, as just about always, I can't really remember what I did the whole time.

Saturday we spend the whole day helping to move Matt and Jess to their new house, which is about 6 blocks from the house we will be moving into. They had a frigging nightmare with the movers, so much so that we decided that we will just handle our furniture on our own thank you very much. But overall the day was really fun, although there was plenty of work to be done.

John and I hung with Matt and Jess into the evening and had dinner, then enough wine to have to spend the night on their pull-out couch. Like idiots we left the windows open all night in the living room. I woke up at 4 a.m. and realized I was using the baby blanket Jess had given me (it was warm when we went to sleep), my sweater, and various cushions to prevent myself from freezing to death, and that this behavior was very similar to that of a homeless person and I indeed have a home and clothing, etc. Everything was still all packed up, so I wandered out into the garage and started poking around the boxes for one that might say "big, frigging warm blanket," but the closest I got was a Christmas tablecloth, which I decided would do just fine. Fortunately on my way back to the family room, I just happened to walk by a box with a giant comforter in it, and I nearly wet my pants I was so happy. John and I re-entered the civilized world.

Oh, I didn't even talk about the Seder. It was rad. For some reason that's all I want to say about it right now, but I guess I'll stop being lazy and describe it.

Ahhh, not really. 12 people total (I think). A really nice family, plus the rabbi and his parents and his son, and a couple he knows, and my co-worker. Very good food (matzo and haroset! ohhhh yeah!), and great conversation. It was a real honor to be there.

The rabbi's lady friend, Janis, made an awesome vegetarian matzo lasagne for me, and she was not even there. She made it the night before. I have never even met her. It was so nice of her to do that, especially since she had to get on a plane at 6 the next morning. Great lady. Hope I get to meet her (I just typed "meat her." ha.) some day.

It sure feels like nap time right now.

Bad Blogger

2006-04-12T10:40:00.000-04:00

I am being a bad blogger, one of those ones who doesn't write for a week at a time. I don't think many people are reading this, but I know when I log onto the pages I read often and they haven't been updated (ahem, Nitpick), I feel so loooonely.

I also find that I stop writing just when I probably have the most to write about. Sometimes that makes sense when all of it has to do with work, which I've decided I will not be focusing on here for fear of being Dooced.

I got my new car, a Toyota Matrix XR, and I frigging love it. I have never had a brand new car before, and there is something that's just so delightful about it. I wonder when I will stop picking up every speck of dust that hits the floor, though. John's dad made the whole thing possible by coming out with us last weekend and acting as our official negotiator. He is entitled to a ride in the Matrix any time.

In more significant news, John started a new job today. I can't wait to hear how it went when we both get home. He was nervous this morning, I think, because he didn't even really want me to tell him good luck or anything. "Don't make a big deal about this!" So funny. I can't imagine what emotion was behind that one. I would want at least 350 "good luck" wishes before leaving the house to start a new job, but he's a man and men are mysterious.

We had drinks with his now former coworkers last night, and it was a bitchfest the likes of which I have rarely seen. One of his buddies was actually banging his fist on the bar. That place appears to be self-destructing, so it's a really good thing John checked out. Last week, they took away the employees' summer hours, and get this - their use of the company kitchen. Just locked the thing up. I couldn't believe that. Is that supposed to increase productivity?

I am going to a Passover seder at the Rabbi's house tomorrow night, and it's a little nerve-wracking. I am not Jewish, and not a meat-eater. I am just hoping it doesn't turn into a tremendous flop-sweat party for me. It should be very interesting, and I'm so honored to be invited, but I'm nervous. Part of the whole tradition is a reminder to Jewish people to be kind to strangers, so maybe that will work in my favor. I'm sure, actually, that it will be a good time, but it's definitely a new and different experience.

I had a wild and crazy weekend, beginning with a dinner party on Friday night that came with a LOT of sangria-filled fun. It was a birthday party for my friend Matt, whose picture is down there in my archives somewhere, and our friends Nicole and Nathanael come down from NYC to join all of us in the celebration. Frankly, I can't remember what I did on Saturday, but Sunday John and Caitlin and I went to a concert at Convention Hall in Asbury Park - Coheed and Cambria. John's brother Steve came out with a couple of friends, who were totally rad, and we proceeded to drink too much and have a lot of fun. Caitlin used to work at CH, so we spent a lot of time running from place to place to see her old coworkers. Oddly enough, her very controversial ex-boyfriend just happened to be standing right next to our group in the crowd. Coincidence?

In comparison, this week so far has been rather dull, aside from various work-related frustrations, which I won't get into here except to say this: Politics. Blech.

But it's back to work for me for now.

Old Friend Fills Me With Hatred

2006-04-06T22:46:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I saw this girl who used to be a very good friend of mine, and it filled me with rage.

The way our friendship ended really bothers me. Essentially she betrayed me and a bunch of our other girlfriends, and when I called her on it, she accused me of being cliquey and stopped talking to me. Hers wasn't a major betrayal, but she told her boyfriend some really private stuff we had told her. I wasn't going to end the friendship over it, but she chose to do that. The weirdest thing is that she is still friends with the other girls, just not me.

So I haven't seen her in like 3 years, and it was really weird to see her yesterday in the health food store where I always get my lunch. I almost didn't notice her, but when I did my mouth just formed the words, "how are you?" in a very bright and almost inappropriately friendly tone. I was immediately disappointed with myself. She was with her mom, and said in a weird, almost regretful tone, "How are you." Period at the end there is intentional. She wasn't asking a question. I just walked by. Aaargh!

Of course being a really brave person, I lurked in the back of the store hoping they would leave so I wouldn't have to bear the agony of being in LINE with them and having to make CONVERSATION, but I was just so angry doing it. Saying all kinds of nasty things under my breath, etc. I just find it so fucked up that she's the one who betrayed everyone and somehow I still feel like it's my fault. I guess that's my own problem, but it still bothers me. We were really close, and at the time I didn't really have any other close girl friends. I really liked her because she was kind and friendly - way more outgoing than me - and smart. It can be tough to find smart girls to make friends with.

So I guess it really hurt when she blew me off like that and made a huge sweeping judgment of me based on one situation. Her judgment was so way off too; she said I was "just like all those girls in high school," who left other people out. It was such a hurtful thing to say because at the time (and even now to some extent), I had a hard time making friends at all (most of the "girls" i'm referring to were really other people's friends I was associated with) and I was so lonely and needed girl friends more than ever. I always felt like the freak - the girl whose clothes didn't fit right, who didn't quite fit in with the bar crowd, who the guys didn't really look at. I have always, and still do feel like an outsider and an alien. Losing her as a friend, and in that kind of situation, just really made me feel so much worse.

I still miss her sometimes, and part of me wishes we could have run into each other yesterday, struck up a conversation, and maybe renewed the friendship. But another part just wants to tell her to go to Hell with her betrayal and her sweeping judgments. I really don't need that. Hm.

I am lame, so I post surveys

2006-04-06T22:45:00.000-04:00

How old were you when you first.......

FELL IN LOVE - tough one, but I guess 14 if you count puppy love
GOT IN A FIGHT- I think my sister and I started as soon as i was born
LOST SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU- 12
DRANK ALCOHOL- 7 or so - beer in the canoe with my stepdad
SMOKED WEED- 14 or 15
GOT KISSED - 12
GOT STUNG BY A BEE - 3
WENT TO THE HOSPITAL - 4 - tubes in my ears
GOT YOUR HEART BROKEN - 14
LOST A PET- 11
GOT ARRESTED- 19
SMOKED A CIGARETE- 12
BROKE A BONE- 8
GOT JUMPED- never
GOT A JOB- 12
GOT CHEATED ON- 22
GOT A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND- 13
RODE THE CITY BUS BY MYSELF- 19 in new brunswick i guess
WENT TO A CONCERT-15
MET SOMEONE FAMOUS- 25 - Duff Lambros (of MTV! I interviewed her)
GOT IN A CAR CRASH- 17 - Leslie's car was hit and we had 6 people in it so i had to run
DYED YOUR HAIR- 15
RODE AN AIRPLANE- 3
WENT TO ANOTHER STATE- probably very early to NYC

How many
LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS HAVE YOU BEEN IN- 11 - that's all i've done really
TIMES HAS YOUR HEART BEEN BROKEN- 3
PETS DO U HAVE- 2 - a cat and a goldfish
PEOPLE DO YOU HATE- 0
TIMES HAVE U GOT DUMPED- 2.5 - never figured out if the second guy actually considered us a couple
TIMES HAVE U DUMPED SOMEONE- 10 - wow

Damien Rice is Awesome

2006-03-30T17:22:00.000-05:00

I just thought I'd mention that Damien Rice is a new favorite singer of mine. I heard the song "Blower's Daughter" on the credits of an old episode of the L-Word (which i love too) and nearly died of eargasm. I have some of his songs on my iPod now, and he's just frigging awesome. It's rare that a solo singer gets my attention, but he just seems to really sing from his gut and I like that. "Delicate" is really good too.

Fun!

2006-03-30T14:06:00.000-05:00

1.Choose a band/artist and answer ONLY in titles of their songs:The Beatles

2. Are you male or female:Girl

3. Describe yourself:Long Tall Sally

4. How do some people feel about you:
I’m a loser

5. How do you feel about yourself:I Feel Fine

6. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend:Nowhere man

7. Describe current boyfriend/girlfriend:Sun King

8. Describe where you want to be:Blue Jay Way

9. Describe how you live:Think For Yourself

10. Describe how you love:I'm Happy Just to Dance With You

11. What would you ask for if you had just one wish:Help!

12. Share a few words of Wisdom:Your Mother Should Know

13. Now say goodbye:Hello Goodbye

Aaaaaand go

2006-03-29T09:57:00.000-05:00

So the news is that John got a new job doing the same thing for a much higher salary, and he'll still be close to home. Awesome. I am so proud of him. The guy has never not gotten a job for which he interviewed, which just tells me that he is awesome. I knew that already, but it's nice to know that others can see it too. He is going to do great in this new position, and I think he'll be much happier.

I had to wait until he officially quit his current job to talk about it, and he did that yesterday.

Both of us are just spinning from all the changes going on lately. First my car goes up in smoke, then we're talking about marriage, then we buy a house, then John gets a new job. And the whole buying a house thing is very complicated! Mortgage, inspection, appraisal, termites, flood zones, radon, etc. etc. etc. This is more administrative stuff than we have ever dealt with.

We're definitely having a string of good luck, though, so hopefully my burned-up car has evened it all out.

Moving On Up

2006-03-28T11:03:00.000-05:00

Oh my God. Some good news just came through, and it just occurred to me that I probably shouldn't get into detail about it on the Internet just yet, but I had to vent the excitement. Let's just say for now that a financial change has just come through that will make this whole mortgage thing a heck of a lot easier.

Hooooo baby!

Details to come.

BHE

2006-03-27T13:21:00.000-05:00

House mania continues, as our neighbors Rob and Crystal have caught the fever and identified a house last night. We took a second look at ours with my parents over the weekend, and it's even better than we remembered. I had completely forgotten the laundry room/man room. I don't know what else to call a room with a tool bench in it, packed with tools that neither John nor I would know how to use.

The people we are buying from are unbelievably cute; they're convinced that our appearance at their home last week was somehow related to fate, saying things like, "you guys are just like we were 33 years ago." We're allowing that narrative to continue in their minds since it will hopefully create a nice peaceful transition for all of us. They have even offered to leave some of their stuff for us - furniture, etc. Considering the fact that we live in a one-bedroom place now, that could be very helpful.

My parents loved it, and my stepdad said the inspection should be a breeze because the current owners have been constantly renovating and updating. John and I can't wait to move in there.

Oh, also, my sister called last week to tell me that she would like me to be Alexis' godmother, so I'm going to do that. She's being christened in a Catholic church, and I am not Catholic, so that might be a little strange, but I'm honored to do whatever Melissa would like. I'd really like to see this niece of mine soon, too. I really wish they lived closer.

I haven't told my sister about the house yet, partially because I am afraid she's going to get on my case because I was talking about going to work in NYC at some point and she wouldn't want me to give that up if I didn't really want to. Also, she was once engaged and bought a house in the same town, and ended up calling off the wedding. So it's kind of weird. But I'll tell her when I talk to her again. I've kind of dropped the whole NYC thing for a number of reasons, some of which actually have to do with my pursuing other dreams, and I think she'll get that.

I'm off to get some lunch now since I'm no longer alooooooone in the office, as I have been all morning.

We're Moving

2006-03-22T20:21:00.000-05:00

For the last two years or so, I have been very sure that I did not want to buy a house with John until we got married. I was adamant about this even though it caused arguments and generally frustrated him. We're renting an apartment right now, and to a frugal guy like John, that just represents throwing money down the drain.

About 10 days ago, he decided he was going to go ahead and buy a house on his own. I was fine with that, and even contacted my good friend Caitlin who's a realtor and asked her to start sending him some listings because I was pretty sure he wouldn't get started on it on his own and frankly I was sick of hearing about it.

Caitlin took us out last weekend and to show John some properties in the neighborhood where my friends Matt and Jessica are moving next month. These were some awesome houses, and in an area far enough south of here that they were a lot of house for the money.

I started thinking about living in that neighborhood, and about the prospect of living in a nice big space, and even down the road to the possibility of raising kids in a beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood with my best friends right up the street. Initially I just hoped that John would buy one of the houses, but then I realized that there was no way he would get approved for financing on houses that expensive. I would have to participate if it was really going to happen.

So I sort of agonized over it. I didn't want to go back on what I had been saying for years now. I didn't want to give in and make this big commitment if John hadn't made the move for us to get married. But I sort of fell in love with the idea of living in that neighborhood.

Despite the fact that I had horrible laryngitis at the time and could barely talk, I called my mom and had a talk with her. She made me feel so much better about it! She didn't tell me what to do, but she made me feel like it would be OK if I went ahead with John and bought a house. I don't want to say that it was the only reason I moved forward, but I think if she had said anything different I might not have decided to do it.

So we called in a bid on one of the houses which an owner was selling on his own. He was going to think it over that night and call us the next day. That night we looked at our finances and realized that we would have been in way over our heads. John wanted to go ahead, but I kept pointing out factors that might have made it a disaster for us - lost jobs, kids, etc. So we backed out of it.

The next day we went out with Caitlin again and looked at a few houses. We were searching for one that was vacant on a street that was pretty dark and we were having a hard time, but finally we saw the realty sign and pulled over. We looked at the front and side doors for the lock box that would have contained the key, but didn't find one. It looked like there was a light on inside, so Caitlin knocked.

A man answered the door, and the house obviously wasn't vacant, but he was anxious to show it to us anyway. His wife was a little annoyed at first, but she warmed up too. Every room we walked into was nicer than the next. This guy has been retired for 10 years, and apparently he just spent the whole time remodeling his house. John, Caitlin and I were basically just holding our breath the entire time we were walking through because the house seemed like a ridiculous deal for the asking price.

Right before we left, the wife approached Caitlin with her listing sheet, because she was trying to figure out where Caitlin saw that the house would be vacant. They compared their two sheets, and only then did we realize we were in the wrong house entirely. The house we had been looking for was on the same street, but two houses down. The one we had been touring was listed a little higher, but still in a range that was OK for us.

We looked at a few more houses, but it was tough to deny that we were in love with the first place. John was basically drooling.

We went back to Caitlin's office, and looked at some numbers - mortgage payments, property taxes, etc... and eventually decided (somewhat reluctantly on my part) that we should make a bid.

The next day at 4 the bid was accepted, and we were on our way. This was literally about 50 hours after I had decided I was OK with buying a house. Whoa.

So in the midst of the worst winter illness I've had in years (it's been f-ing terrible), John and I have signed a contract to buy a new house. Three bedrooms, all newly remodeled, new appliances, nice yard, nice neighborhood. It's perfect! Although it's a first house, it's the kind of place we might never have to leave. There's plenty of room for growth, but not so much room that it will be overwhelming or difficult to maintain.

It looks like we will be closing the deal in June, so that gives us a little time to prepare to move, and to hit up all our favorite southern Monmouth County spots a couple more times before we go. I grew up just a couple blocks from where we're living currently, so it's going to be a little tough for me to leave. But this place is just so great that it's worth it.

I'm nervous about the changes, but I'm also really excited. I don't think I ever believed I would live in a place this nice. I'm still not sure I really believe it. It's going to be a crazy time.

Dent

2006-03-21T11:28:00.000-05:00

I am coughing so hard I literally feel like my back teeth are coming loose. Disgusting.

House Break

2006-03-21T09:36:00.000-05:00

Well, the weekend was OK overall, despite the challenge of not really having a voice the whole time. After I left the office on Friday, the laryngitis got progressively worse, and Saturday, the day of the wedding, I basically just whispered all day. By the time the wedding happened in the evening, I could croak out general niceties, but it was really annoying. But we had fun; John for some reason decided to dance, which I didn't understand but I wasn't about to ask questions for fear the spell may have been broken. I love dancing, and so does he, but most of the time he is too shy to do it.

We stayed up late Saturday night with John's midwestern cousins, and I really liked them. I am glad to find that he has more really cool family members. His cousin Kristin is a really nice girl; I wish she lived closer - her brothers and their broods too. There are four kids under 5 on that side of the family. Cute kids.
On Sunday on the way home, we called my friend Caitlin, who is a real estate agent, and arranged to go look at some houses when we got back. We did a full tour of this neighborhood my best friends Jessica (Caitlin's sister) and Matt just bought in, and we fell in love with just about every house. I had been adamant about not buying a house until we were married, but we did some negotiating on that. Basically I said I would go forward if we could get this whole wedding thing out of the way within a year. I say that in a nonchalant way, but it's actually a pretty big deal. It would essentially mean that we will be engaged in the next 12 weeks. So I agreed to that. We'll see how he does.

Yesterday we got moving on putting a bid on one of the houses, the one we liked best. It's beautiful, but after closer examination of our finances it doesn't really look like a smart choice. Real estate in this part of NJ is so expensive that it's easy to look at something that's just under 400k and think it's affordable, but I think we would be spreading ourselves awfully think, and possibly setting ourselves up for disaster. We agreed this morning before John left that we were going to look into smaller homes, but I just got an email saying that he was having second thoughts, so we'll see what he's come up with later.

I'm home from work for the second day in a row as this throat-attacking virus hangs on. My doctor told me yesterday that she's seen a number of people with this, and it's taking 2-3 weeks to go away. Awesome. I guess that includes my general malaise last week, though, so maybe I'm in the home stretch. It totally sucks though. I can talk a little bit better now, but now I have this horrible cough which the Vicks 44 just isn't touching. Blech. Today I don't have to leave to go to the doctor or anything though, so maybe I'll finally get the magic combination of rest.

We also went out to dinner with Matt and Jessica on Sunday night, and they brought their daughter Jillian. She is a little pip these days, making all kinds of trouble at the restaurant. But she's so cute and actually very funny. And she defnitely steals your heart by putting her hands out to be held. She wanted me to carry her out to the car after dinner, and I just about died from the cuteness. I also learned that it's hard to carry a baby AND a purse. Must be really fun when the purse is a giant diaper bag. Eek.

The VOICE

2006-03-17T14:41:00.000-05:00

I'm closing the office early today, because my boss just called and said we should be drinking green beer right now. Plus, I've got a road trip ahead of me and the sooner it gets underway, the better.

Over the course of the day I've developed the sick voice - the one that sounds kind of cool, but is really a result of a strange illness affecting the vocal cords. I used to get it once a year, and my old friend Courtney always told me she wished I would talk like this all the time, but it's really not much fun.

So I'm getting on the road now. Long weekend in a glamorous city. Oh boy.

Whoa

2006-03-16T22:21:00.000-05:00

Thanks to SiteMeter, I just had that funny feeling one might have when one lives in New Jersey and finds that someone from southern California happened upon her blog today. Weird! I am sure it was purely by accident, but it's cool anyway.

Learning, or Tolerating?

2006-03-16T16:56:00.000-05:00

This is that mentor program I mentioned a couple weeks ago. Don't the kids look thrilled?

The Best of Both Brows

2006-03-16T16:55:00.000-05:00

This is Melissa and baby Alexis. I can't even deal with those perfect little eyebrows!

Goody Neato Ginger Peach

2006-03-16T16:43:00.000-05:00

I'm literally being pulled under my desk today. I have just wanted out of here since I got here, and thank god I am leaving in 15 minutes. Not that it's been such a bad day, but I have just had something pulling me out of here all day. Germs, maybe.

But I got my press release out, and that's all I'm good for anyway. I also bought a lovely dress on my lunch break which will make me feel much better going to a wedding with my boyfriend's family with a giant cold sore on my face. It's sort of Project Runway-ish actually. Very nice. Hopefully the jewelry will serve as a distraction. This is one of those times when I wish I could blend better. Being 5'10" doesn't help me.

But whatever I realize it's silly and it's probably not as bad as I think it is. Enough! I should get back to talking about cars or something.

Someone actually said, "goody neato ginger peach" to me today. And the strangest part of it is that it somehow sounded hostile. I didn't think that was possible. Of course, I don't think I've ever thought about "goody neato ginger peach," but still.

I think I'll go straight to bed when I get home. All I need is a book or two, and maybe some tea.

Waaaaah.

2006-03-15T11:59:00.000-05:00

I'm going to try to post an entry that has nothing to do with my car. How about that? Everyone (and by everyone, I mean all the imaginary people reading this) sick of hearing about that whole ordeal?

So let's go on to the next thrilling topic: illness. I'm feeling completely loopy today as a result of what I guess is a cold, and the medicine I am taking. "MAY CAUSE DIZZINESS." By dizziness, they mean stupidity. I couldn't process a thought to save my life in the last 24 hours, and I am whiny and generally unpleasant. Oh, and I have a cold sore on my face, which added to the list makes me HOT. I managed to get out of both my meetings today, thank god, and out of going to Trenton tomorrow too. I think it actually makes more sense for me to be at the office tomorrow anyway since we're going to be fielding a lot of press calls. Win-win.

It's gone from balmy to blustery in NJ since yesterday, and in my state I really just want to be at home under a blanket. I was up early this morning to take John's car to be looked at (oh, no more about cars!), and I did have some time to whine (to myself) at home when I got back, so that's something nice to think back to all day while I sit by my drafty window at work. It was so nice having that window for the warm weather, but this stuff? Not so much. It's super windy, and that hurts my frigging face. Vitamins, start working!

This weekend John and I are going to his uncle's wedding in North Jersey. This will be the first time John has had to be in a wedding - he's reading something from 1 Corinthians I believe. He was really nervous about it at first, and not sure if he should accept, but I told him that his uncle's asking him to do it is a real honor, and a demonstration of how much his uncle loves him. It would be sad to say no. So he's doing it, and I can't wait to see that. I don't know if he's ever spoken in public at all, but it will be good practice for him because I am betting he's going to have to make a best man speech for his brother at some point. I was pretty terrified doing that for my sister, and I have to speak in meetings, etc. all the time. As a software developer, John doesn't really do too much of that.

I really, really hope I'm feeling (and looking) better by this weekend. I definitely don't need my cold sore memorialized in family photos.

Hoopty Needed

2006-03-13T16:29:00.000-05:00

This really will be a quick one. My car situation has progressed, in that it's totaled, and in that I looked at a couple different options for replacements over the weekend. Right now my options are leasing a Chevy Cobalt (improbable at this point), buying a Honda Civic, or going into the realm of subcompact with a Honda Fit or Toyota Yaris. Cool little cars. Little, little cars.

But my real problem is what to do in the meantime. I can't rent a car every day because it's really frigging expensive, and I can't share with John all the time because it's just not practical (and because something is wrong with his car too), so I either have to solve this very quickly (which won't be possible if i want to go with the subcompacts) or find an interim solution, like an old clunker nobody wants for $500.

Check out the Yaris and Fit, though. Fun!

We had a Sopranos party at Rob and Crystal's last night. I brought the vegetarian meatballs and... er... gravy. It was a good time, and I can't wait to see next week's episode. The best theory I have heard so far is that what we saw last night was actually the end of the season, and the next episode will take us back in time.

OK gotta go pick John up at work now.

Hot Hot Heat

2006-03-08T13:45:00.000-05:00

SHOULD HAVE BEEN PUBLISHED YESTERDAY...

I had a great time with the rabbi last night. We talked about spirituality for a good 2 hours. I got some new things to read, and then I saw the film, which was great. I left his house in a great, thoughtful mood. I was listening to classical music on the drive home because I knew it would occupy my speedy brain, but relax me enough to let the thoughts about my book flow.

On the way home I picked up some vegetable rolls for dinner, and when I started my car outside the restaurant it sounded really weird. It was a sound I had heard before, and usually it goes away in a couple minutes, so I didn't worry about it. Figured there was a leaf stuck in a pipe or something. Well. No leaf.

When I got home, great mood continuing, ready to munch on some veggie rolls and think and read, I turned the car off. Only it wouldn't turn off. I took the key out of the ignition, and it was still making a sound like I was just turning the key to turn it on. It sounded ugly. So I put the key back in and turned it back on. Sounded better. So I tried the experiment again, and even after I took the key a second time the car was still trying to start. I had no idea what to do, so I turned it back on, took my housekey off the keychain and went inside to call AAA.

It takes forever to get an operator on the phone (forever in the terms of a person who is really freaked out about strange car behavior, so probably like 2 minutes) and then go through the whole process of contact information, explaining the problem, etc. About 4 minutes into my conversation with the operator, I turn toward the window to look at my car. There is smoke everywhere.

"OH SH*T HOLD ON, CAR'S ON FIRE!"

I ran out there to see what was going on, and (like an idiot, actually, because this was very dangerous), I opened the door, got in and turned the car off. Disgusting-smelling smoke poured out from under the hood, and filled the interior of the car. I ran coughing back to the phone and finished giving my information so AAA would send someone out to help me... I didn't know what they would do besides tow the car, but maybe shed some light on what the hell just happened.

I sat down, stinking of poisonous smoke, in the living room and ate my vegetable rolls in a daze while I waited for the guy to get there. I have no recollection of tasting them, or of fumbling with my chopsticks, just the waiting. I may have watched some Seinfeld.

Anyway so the guy shows up, and the car won't even turn on so he can get it in gear and get it out of there. Though he does confirm that there was a FIRE under the hood. Bah. So there's nothing that can be done that night. I'm still in pretty good spirits because really it was sort of funny. I mean I know it sucks for your car to be on fire and all, but still.
*************************
So now it's two days later and the car is in the shop, waiting for a determination as to whether it is totaled or not. I can't decide whether I would rather pay $2,000 + to get the car repaired or just have it totaled - not that I have any control over the outcome. Either way, it seems unlikely the insurance company is going to pay for it, because they will not cover a fire that was caused by mechanical failure. Awesome. Somehow my mood is starting to suffer, just a little.

I'm looking at cars, though, and considering leasing. It would be nice to have a new car every couple years, and not have to worry about this crap. I have to say that my Corolla was very dependable. This was the first major problem I had with it. So I guess it decided to go all out and make a scene. Some problem with being beige or something. I wouldn't like being beige either, but I don't know if I would light myself on fire over it.

But I'm pissed because the night before all this happened, I did my taxes and found that I am getting about $3,000 back. I was so excited because that could be like a little savings for my book on top of the other saving I am doing. And then voila! up in smoke. So we'll see what happens.

Shalom

2006-03-07T17:26:00.000-05:00

I'm meeting with the rabbi tonight to see his film in its finished version and to discuss my book idea. Should be interesting. Actually now that I'm looking at the clock I see that I have to leave in like 10 minutes. Quick blog entry!

Now that I'm here I'm having trouble remembering my day.

Well one thing is that I am going to have some work to do on the issue of eminent domain. Our office has been working on a bill, and it looks like it might finally be getting some traction. The bill has been my baby all along - I hammered out language with the office of legislative services, I have worked with the residents whose homes are being taken away. So I am maintaining control of this one, which presents me with a much-needed challenge and something to think about. For anyone who doesn't know, eminent domain is the legal concept that allows the government to take your home or business. In some cases, like for building roads and bridges, it's an unfortunate necessity, but in other cases property is being taken for private redevelopment purposes. And that's not cool. The Supreme Court put its reluctant stamp of approval on the practice last year, but left the door open for states to make stronger laws than the feds have on it. So that's what we're trying to do for New Jersey.

In other news, I'm drawing a blank on other news. So I guess I'll kill it before we all start gagging.

Clean and Free(lance)

2006-03-06T16:59:00.000-05:00

Bladdy Bloodie Blah Blah.

My brain is turning to mush from being in the office alone all day, but I have to say I sort of enjoyed the peace. Of course when the phone rings once, it will ring again and again while I'm on the first call, but whatever. I'm not going to stress over it.

Now that John and I are on Project Clean, I actually look forward to going home. I know I have some dishes waiting to be done, but aside from that the place is so relaxing and clean. If only I could find a way to completely eliminate dust and cat hair without vacuuming the entire time I'm home. Tonight I think we're both going to the gym, and then just lounging.

I found some freelance writing jobs online today, some of which can be done from home. I think it will be good for a number of reasons for me to do some of that, not the least of which is that I could bring in some extra money to put into savings. I'm pretty happy with what I have been saving for the last 6 months, in fact I'll be able to take advantage of the Roth IRA this year for the first time, but of course it would be great to save more. I think I am going to need a new car in the next 24 months or so, and I would love to not have to pay it off in installments. Now that I am out of debt, I can't really deal with the idea of being in it again. If I could manage to save a few thousand dollars (a few, as in like 10 outside of my usual), I could just buy a car with cash. John's talking about the leasing option, but the bottom line is I just don't want to be paying two or three hundred dollars a month for something that is either depreciating in value, or that I don't even own.

So if I can do some freelance writing or proofreading, that would be THE awesome. I think it would also convince me that I don't always need to be tied to a regular job to make money and be challenged. If I get a good freelance thing going, down the road that could come in really handy. Man, you should see the "opportunities" out there though. I saw one for a "writer's assistant." It included travel throughout Europe, with time for shopping, taking dictation, typing, editing, oh and just the occasional massage on demand. Females only. Submit your resume and PHOTO here. Gross. Thank goodness those were far outnumbered by some pretty cool leads.

2006-03-05T01:47:00.000-05:00

Most of today I have spent alone, since John went out to PA to see Zak and work on the website for his iPod program. A great idea, I think; Zak has some pretty creative designs. So left to my own devices I was surprisingly productive. There was the dry cleaning, the grocery store, cleaning the apartment... It was my intention all day to go to the gym too. I almost didn't make it, but at about 20 to 6 I forced myself out the door, and I'm glad because I feel great.

There's this machine I use at the gym - this thing where you lift yourself up sort of like chin-ups, but there's something supporting part of your weight so weaklings like me can actually accomplish something. I hadn't used it in a couple weeks, so like an ass I tried climing onto the thing the wrong way (the pad you kneel on was folded up). Some very nice woman came over and pointed out the obvious for me. Had I pursued the climb I was attempting, there is a good chance I could have knocked the whole apparatus over, impaling myself on a rubber-ended hand bar. What a way to go.

When I got home, I blissfully ordered some vegetable rolls, and set about doing some household chores while I waited for the food to arive. Usually that stuff makes me want to rip my hair out, but I think the workout left me feeling good. When dinner arrived, I sat down to watch Imagine, the documentary about John Lennon. Although I have been a Beatles fan since I was a kid, I half expected to turn it off about half way through, but I didn't. It was great. What an interesting, flawed, vulnerable guy. Of course the documentary covers his death, and after learning so much about him I found myself crying. Just seeing all the people mourning in the streets made me cry because it really seemed like the message he wanted to get across had been received. I mean his quest for peace... People really seemed to get it and want to honor it and him. I wish it had caught fire like he probably hoped it would.

When the credits came on, the song playing in the background was In My Life, which has always been for me sort of a less interesting Beatles song. But when my grandfather died in January, I made this DVD with photos of him and I put that song on it, so I think now I'll always associate it with him. Well I immediately started bawling. I wasn't even thinking about my grandfather, so it was a little confusing for me at first. When I made the connection, it just brought everything out. Once in a while, since his funeral, I am surprised by how raw the pain still is, despite the fact that I keep it deep in my pocket most of the time. The death of a family member, especially someone like him, makes this uncomplicated and steady pain that can be brought up at any time.

The other thing I did today is learn a little bit more about my Nikon D50. I learned how to control the flash, finally, and I had so much fun shooting stuff around the house, particularly the cat, who is no longer stuck in the flashed-out-eyes rut. Look at some of my photos. Next time I'll shoot people, I promise, but I was in isolation today, so work with me.

2006-03-05T01:36:00.000-05:00

Not only can you see his eyes, but also the feline acne on his chin. He's mortified.

2006-03-05T01:35:00.001-05:00

Sense of entitlement.

2006-03-05T01:35:00.000-05:00

Sports setting with incandescent white balance mode!

2006-03-05T01:34:00.000-05:00

It snowed a little bit at the Jersey Shore last week, so I took some pictures.

2006-03-05T01:33:00.001-05:00

I live right on the railroad tracks, but also 5 blocks from the beach!

2006-03-05T01:33:00.000-05:00

Here's my niece, Alexis. I had to get Melissa's permission to put her daughter on the internet, so this is from Thursday. Isn't she cute?!

2006-03-05T01:32:00.000-05:00

And here is that Grandpa I was talking about. I love this photo because it looks like he's going to start the boat and chug off to Heaven. God, I miss him.

Long, wet day

2006-03-02T21:40:00.000-05:00

So the trip to see the baby pumpkin was long, but well worth it. Heeding the doomsday snow warnings, my mom and I took the train, and had to walk about 6 blocks in freezing rain to get to Melissa's place. It was a nice day, though. Very relaxing, and of course it's thrilling to hold my niece. I am still thinking to myself "don't drop her," and that's a little bit unnerving, but so far so good. Does that make me terribly paranoid, or does everyone feel that way about babies?

Much as I enjoyed bonding with the baby, I got a real sense of how all-consuming it is being a mom, and I am glad I haven't done it just yet. I have a lot of other things I am thinking about and doing, and I saw that it just wouldn't be possible to do any of that if I were taking care of an infant. Don't get me wrong; there's no doubt I do want to do it some day, but I want to enjoy this awake feeling I've been having lately with all the reading and thinking that goes along with it. I know that motherhood doesn't mean death, but it definitely does require slowing down. And it also seems sort of isolated. But boy that baby smells good.

My Favorite People

2006-02-28T10:50:00.000-05:00

Here are some of my favorite people on the planet.

2006-02-28T10:37:00.000-05:00

Here's my boyfriend, John. We were in Jamaica here, which is why we look so happy. I think

2006-02-28T10:32:00.000-05:00

My sister, Melissa, and my brother-in-law, Jeff! They are looking very well-rested in this shot, which may not the case since they had a new baby a couple weeks ago. Alexis Riley is a new challenge for them, and a new passion!

2006-02-28T10:27:00.000-05:00

This is Crystal in an uncharacteristically "gangsta" pose at a bar in New Hope, where she and her husband, Rob, spent a weekend with John and I. Crystal and Rob are our neighbors, and they get us into all kinds of trouble.

And another "gangsta." This is Rob. He acts pretty tough, but he watches scary movies through his hand. He's got 'ho's in different area codes, but that's just because Crystal's cell phone is a 201.

2006-02-28T10:05:00.000-05:00

This is my friend Matt looking very silly, but the picture is so typically him that I couldn't resist. I've known Matt since I was 11 years old, and he remains one of my favorite people.

And here is Matt with his wife, Jessica. I am so lucky that my two best friends from high school married each other. Jessica has been a partner in crime and a in fun for me since we were about 16. For the two years before that we didn't like each other. For no reason at all.

That's me with the ears on the left, but more importantly there is Joe in the middle, and Caitlin (aka Cakers) on the right. Joe and I met in study hall in 1993, and I begged him to try out for the school play when there weren't enough guys to make a good cast. He agreed, and the rest is history. Look how tantastic he looks in this photo taken on the water taxi! Cakers is Jessica's sister, but I like to just call her my friend. She was around for a lot of our high school hijinks, including a living room wrestling match in which I bit her toe. Caitlin and I have always understood each other pretty well, and I love her for her sincere and spunky personality.

Intro

2006-02-27T12:43:00.000-05:00

Well, since I might actually use this blog, I'll do a brief introduction.

I am a 28-year old woman living at the Jersey Shore with my boyfriend, and working in politics. I like spending time with my friends and family, reading, writing, and watching movies. Since it's winter, I am spending a lot of time at home not doing too much, but I do love going to the beach in the summer and travelling whenever I get the chance. I just got back from a trip to Jamaica a couple weeks ago, and considering the frigid NJ weather right now, I would love to be back there. You should go there!

I have an idea for a book, which means I am spending a lot of time dreaming and scheming these days. I'm also trying to figure out a plan for graduate school (history? theology? women's studies?) and a slightly more adventurous life in general, which might include spending a little (or a lot) more time in New York.

I am an aunt! Just became one on February 13, and I love my niece to pieces, even though I have only been able to see her once so far.

That about covers my story right now. Let's see if I can stick with this blogging thing.

2006-02-27T12:42:00.000-05:00

And John always gets mad at me for not putting this one online. I think it's silly, but I'll humor him. Check out the huge vein on my forehead!

2006-02-27T12:39:00.000-05:00

This is John at Chez Philippe, a beautifully clean and charming vegan B&B in Montreal. Please go there. It was really relaxing and wonderful. And Philippe makes a beautiful breakfast.

2006-02-27T12:34:00.000-05:00

I'm just playing around with the pictures right now. This is a French Canadian pigeon. How dare you look into his face.

New and Improved WandaCrab

2006-02-27T12:22:00.000-05:00

Not that I really did much on the old diaryland page, but Blogger just looks way cooler. Although I object to the long format, I couldn't resist it.